Sometimes, Conference USA is a little boring. Pinkney is gone and Tulsa scores a lot of points – we get it. No one really takes this conference seriously, do they? Apparently our readers do, because this mailbag might contain the best non-BCS questions to date.

 

 

 

 

Alright, we’ve been convinced. This year, Conference America is making a comeback and the west side of the conference is done getting pushed around. Just ask Case Keenum.

 

 

 

It’s hard to see the computer screen. My eyes are still swollen from the ass kicking I took from my bookie. After betting on Houston in the Conference USA Title game AND the Armed Forces Bowl, I owed the GDP of a 3rd world country to this asshole. How many more years until I can pick out a sucker bet? Save me.

-Gary, Lady Lake, Florida

 

 

Gary, GDPs have gone down worldwide since the recession so be happy you didn’t bet on Houston in 2007. Can you believe Houston was 1-4 ATS last year as a road favorite? We should have told you that earlier.

Don’t get down in the dumps; this is going to be a huge year. Our philosophy is that sometimes an ass kicking is better than losing your house. You still have your house right?

 

 

 

 

 

This is probably really weird, but I didn’t know where else to turn. 6 years ago, I married my current wife Amy, the woman of my dreams. Her maiden name is Braxton.

Let’s fast forward to November 14th, 2009 – our 5th anniversary. We went out for lunch, and then to our favorite bar in Dallas to catch the SMU-UTEP game. I had SMU -7. Amy thinks I haven’t made a bet since we got married, bless her heart.Long story short, SMU doesn’t cover because the UTEP safety had 2 picks, one before the half and one in the 4th. That safety was all over the field, making sure that I didn’t cover the spread.
That safety’s name was Braxton Amy.

-Dan, La Porte, TX

 

The crazy part is that Braxton Amy sounds like a hot girl, and Amy Braxton sounds like an early 1990’s black diva. Your wife sounds like a very nice lady, but when a free safety with the reverse name of you wife is costing you bets you know you must have pissed off the gambling gods.

The only chance we have of experiencing this reverse-name-of-your-girlfriend-screwing-you-out-of-a-cover phenomenon is if USC signs a running back named Whore Hugefucking.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever heard Chris Johnson speak? It’s like a scene from ‘The Wire.’ My friends and I now pretend that everyone from East Carolina is as dumb as Chris Johnson. We do voices with ECU players trying to do things like order take out or ask a question in biology class What else can we make our retarded ECU players try to do?

-Eric, Tomball, TX

 

 

 

Challenge your dumb ECU-selves a little bit more. (But be careful not to stutter. It will confuse being an idiot with having a speech impediment.) The way to really hammer home the point is to mix-up words that sound phonically similar without breaking stride. For example:

"I told him you ain’t talkin’ to me wit dat propane language." (Profane)

"I ain’t got like 2 mo’ days before I gots to give this representation for my class." (Presentation)

"My boy can’t stay the weekend – he got to see his prohibition officer tomorrow." (Probation)

Hope this helps!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top 5 coolest names? (I’m submitting this for every conference)
- Will, Charlotte, NC

 

 

5. Tanner Antle, LB, Tulsa

4. Cordarro Law, DE, Southern Miss – Named after the law passed in Mississippi in 1964 that states, "don’t eff with people whose name sounds like a law passed in the Deep South in the 1960’s."

3.a. Trey Ragland, P, UAB – His parents really admired the villain in Episode 43 of Walker, Texas Ranger.

3.b. Dustin Lineback, MLB, ECU

2. Robert Soleyjacks, DE, UTEP – If this guy doesn’t have a burley beard and carry an axe – why even bother meeting him?

1.Oscar Ponce de Leon, DT, Tulane – This guy looks amazingly young for someone born in 1474, you don’t think he found it do you?!

 

 

 

Any chance the University of Houston isn’t the best college team in Houston this year?

-Rich, Mission Bend, TX

 

 

Translation: Can Rice make some noise in Conference USA? The answer? Not enough noise to drown out Houston, at least. Last year the Owls covered in 4 out of 11 games and got blown out by Navy, ECU, and UCF. The team wasn’t fun to watch, except when they played Houston, if you enjoy watching your roommate fire up a game of Madden and set the difficulty to Rookie. (Keenum and company put up 73 on the Owls). That’s all the bad news.

The good news is that Rice returns 18 starters and has 3 bad-ass transfers in their backfield. The first is ‘Bama transfer QB Nick Fanuzzi, who had a rough debut last year but should be much improved. That is, assuming Taylor Cook (Miami transfer) doesn’t steal his thunder.
The third and probably most exciting big name transfer is Michigan RB Sam McGuffie. Sam doesn’t do a lot of talking – he lets his YouTube videos speak for themselves.

 

 

 

 

Can I win the Heisman?

-Case, Houston, TX

 

 

 

Thanks for writing in Case. No, no you can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

What’s in store for Kyle Padron and the SMU boys this year? Can June Jones lead us to the promise land again?

-Meredith, Fort Worth, TX

 

 

 

 

 

 

When it’s all said and done, Kyle Padron will be a better college quarterback than Case Keenum. Pretty high praise for a 2 star recruit, right? As a freshman, Padron didn’t start his first game until the 8th game of the year, yet he still went on to post the 5th highest passer rating in the country. The Hawaii Bowl was just a sneak peak at what June Jones is going to be able to do with this kid.

 

Hopefully, SMU has a great year overall and ATS, and contends for the Conference America title. Facing Houston and Tulsa at home, SMU has a chance to pull off some serious upsets. But they do feel like a team that’s 2 years away from becoming fully functioning in Jones’ system.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please come to Houston for when East Carolina plays us. There’s one game a year when for whatever reason like no one shows up last year like last year for instance it was the UCF game. This year it’s even better because people will go home for Thanksgiving Break and it’s better when it’s late in the year because there are other games on TV that Texas football nuts like to watch.

Anyway there will only be like 10,000 people at the game so me and like 10 of my friends pick out one player on the opposing team and find out as much info as we can on him. We then make a newsletter and pass it around campus then we bring megaphones and concentrate on that player for the entire game.

The key in picking the player is that he has to not play so he’s is on the sideline for all 4 quarters. Last year we picked Reggie Weams the back-up SS for UCF. This year we’re down to two ECU players Cliff Perryman whose a 3rd string OLB and Brad Wornick whose a 4th string QB. If you come to Houston and bring your TV show we will let you pick who we will yell at.

-Randall, Senior, Rice University

 

 

 

 

 

We currently have our…uhhh…production crew searching Travelocity for tickets.